Wed, May 21, 2003 – 94: Ass not what you can do for your country...

Ass not what you can do for your country...

Wed, May 21, 2003 - 8:00am
By: burnout

For those of you just tuning in, yes, I was in the hospital for 5 days last week with an infection of the small bowel (though I prefer to call it the small intestine... less gross). I'm still not fully recovered but good enough. And as Frenzy had pointed out to me, one could argue that karma was at work considering my recent ass jokes. You'll note my response to the universe on this count. If your interested, that's the U.S.S. Milius lodged firmly in Rahvin's colon. I'd've put a Canadian warship there... but we don't really got any. Actually, we do... but you've got to put a quarter in them to make them go. They also play the theme song to Popeye.

Many thanks for the flood of "get well soon" e-mails I recieved. It was really nice to see and read through them. I got about 50 of 'em which shocked the hell out of me. I won't respond to each one (cause it'd take too long) so I'll just say a great big THANKS!

Now, here are my quick thoughts on my first time spent in a hospital (well... my second really, but I was too young to remember the first):

  • I do not believe I shall ever again meet a group of women (specifically, my nurses) who will respond with such unadulterated joy when I tell them I am crapping and farting again.
  • I felt the most pain I have ever felt in my life at 11pm last Monday night. My vision blurred and I was hyperventilating. I was inches away from screaming my bloody head off. It was only then (after 7 hours at the hospital) that the Emergency room staff took me seriously.
  • You always hear the jokes, but it's so true: Hospital food truly does suck. Even the "liquid" diet that I was on for several days sucked. When I graduated from the clear liquid diet to the full liquid diet they switched my meager portion of beef broth with a meager portion of cream of potato soup. Ugh.
  • Always be nice to your nurses. Please and thank you should be used all the time, but for god sakes, be nice to the people who control your morphine. Be really nice.
  • IV's suck. Very strong antibiotics + IV line = 40 minutes of fire running up and down your arm.
  • I think the emergency room staff REALLY started taking me seriously when they gave me the maximum shot of morphine and I was still in lots of pain. I didn't know it at the time, but that is a very, very bad thing. They should have been able to stab me without me feeling it but it still hurt.
  • Total tests: 7 blood tests, 3 urine samples, 2 X-Ray workups, one CAT scan and a partridge in a pear tree.
  • Total time from being admitted to Emergency and being diagnosed: 23 hours.
  • You have a small intestine and a large intestine. When your CAT scan shows they are the same size, you are in deep doo-doo my friend.
  • After a few days in hospital, you really don't care anymore if someone can see your wang hanging out of your awkwardly fitting gown.
  • I lost 10 pounds in 5 days. Great weight loss plan... but I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. I didn't eat or drink anything for about 36 hours. The saline drip was the only thing sustaining me... and yet I still thought the food was awful when I finally got some. Didn't matter though. I licked the platter clean.
  • No one knew my name but everyone referred to me as "the green haired guy with the piercings". That gave me a warm glow... oh wait... that was my intestines again.
  • I do believe that my youthful delusion of invulnerability and immortality took a bit of a beating. I don't think I really thought about the possibilities of what happened until after I got out.
  • My diet is very much restricted for the next couple weeks. I can't drink alcohol (that would screw up my antibiotics and potentially cause me great harm) and I'm on a low fibre diet. Yes, I said low fibre... the opposite of what you should be doing. I had to pass on my usual whole wheat bread and get some white bread that was not fibre enriched... which was a hard thing to find to my surprise. The people in the bakery thought I was joking. Ended up with the 99 cent store brand crap.
  • Despite the whole SARS thing having pretty much blown over in the Toronto area, I still had to wear a surgical mask in the hospital for a full day. Sleeping with those things on is not fun. Every breath you take is hot and there's not as much oxygen in it.
  • Approved beverages on my low fibre diet include: Water, coffee, tea, milk and carbonated beverages. Fruit beverages are a no no. However, my tummy can't take much caffeine anymore and I'm lactose intolerant... which means I can pretty much only drink water. Fun huh?
  • One would think that this is the rantings of a 50 year old and not a guy in his mid-twenties. Happy
  • I got a paper cut opening a get well card that was sent by my co-workers. Sweet irony.

So, most of the time this sort of thing is viral (although they couldn't tell me how I could get this virus). Just in case, I have to go for a battery of tests in a few weeks to determine if I've sprung a leak in my abdomen somewhere. I'm not particularly worried. I don't worry about something until I know that there's definately something to worry about. I'll just have to see what's gonna happen.

Over the course of 3 weeks I've survived an attempted eviction and hospitalization. If the whole thing didn't make me laugh so damn much I'd think the powers that be were playing with me just a little. Happy Not gonna work on this green haired freak.


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